Wednesday, June 9, 2010

This blog is in response to an interview Slim Thug gave and was posted on The article link is below.:

I don’t usually respond to articles like this, but he has struck a really bad nerve with me. I honestly can not accurately explain the frustration I have after reading this article. Needless to say, I am a black woman. I am not normally offended or put off by what others say to generalize me as a woman but more important a black woman, because I know who I am and how hard I work, but most importantly the “popularity contest” I am in, NO man is a judge, but this is just ridiculous, to say the least.

There are just some things that if you thought, you should not say and this is a CLEAR example of a lot of those things. But I am glad that he did the interview and said what he said. It’s that old adage that when a person tells you who they are believe them.

There were so many things in that interview that disgusted me that I just don’t know where to start. So let me start off by saying that he says men and women need to change the way they think. Can I get him to do just that? Are you kidding me? I find it laughable that he is comfortable with making the statements he makes about black women, but I guess that means that if he were generalized and grouped with black men who are seen as dead beats, thugs (I guess that would be ok since his stage name is Slim Thug), no good, uneducated, hoodlums, aren’t ambitious, liars, lazy and many more derogatory characteristics, he would be fine with that.

I have had my heart broken a time or two myself, but will I ever group all black men with those few. NO!!!!! Because I know plenty of black men who are wonderful. I love black men and when God decides I am ready for my mate, I pray he is black. Even as a 30 year old single black woman, I refuse to let a few bad apples spoil my perception of ALL black men. This is not to say that men of other races are not wonderful, but I have brothers, cousins, nephews, friends who are black males and I hear, see and realize how society groups them all into the same category. So, why should I?

I am not saying any of those men were not good or even great, but just that we weren’t great together. We weren’t equally yoked; so, we weren’t meant to be a forever story. I am also not saying that I am the best thing this side of the world, but I am by far not the worse. Like, MJB says in one of her songs, I know at times I have gone hard for no reason at all, but I know I am a great woman too. If those failed attempts at relationships have taught me nothing else, they taught me that I know I will be a great mate to my Mr. when the time is right.

Something Katt Williams said in one of his comedy routines got me to thinking (IKR). I am paraphrasing here: he said something along the lines that women are always saying how men are no good and blah, blah. He went on to say that women need to ask themselves what about them is attracting these no good men (see why I got to thinking). So I give the same advice to Slim Thug. Step back and not just check yourself out in the mirror but study who you are inside and out. Of course, I don’t know you personally so my next statement is a generalization (but you’re ok with that, right?): I’m sure you don’t go for the girl next door types. Who you are attracts those women who want you to buy this, take them here, do that, but do not group all black women in that category.

I don’t expect any man to give me more than I can give myself or that I am willing to give in return. I don’t need $3000 bags or $10000 outfits, because that does not mean you love and respect me, because those are the two things I DEMAND. Now, if you want to buy me a $3000 bag, am I going to take it…ummm yes, but would I rather you buy me 100 cheaper bags (I like variety), put that on my student loans, give it to charity, send it to Haiti, give it to an HBCU (Jackson State University)…definitely.

I am very vocal, but I also like to sit back and observe others while they run their mouths. I have learned so much by letting people talk. As I grow older, I am realizing that if my presence and words serve no purpose or don’t get things accomplished, then I should do more observing and less speaking. Now, this doesn’t mean that I will be mild and meek just to get and keep a man, but I am learning to pick and use my words carefully.

Even though, I was perturbed after reading that interview being a black woman, but I was more so angered at the implications behind it. I mean if you thought those things and not said them, ok…fine, but now they are out in the free world. There are little black boys who look up to you. You are not a role model I want any young black male following. This interview leads them to believe black women aren’t good enough, that they should only date women who are submissive and that all black women are argumentative and can’t recognize a “good man,” and won’t treat them like kings. I’ll say it again, I love black men, but I don’t think all black men or men for that fact should be treated like kings.

Even more, what message are you sending to young black girls. Society is already telling them that beauty is marked by being thin, now you want them to feel that in order to get a “good man” they have to not have a voice or opinion that if they want to keep their man, cooking and cleaning is enough. This is not the messages I want to send to our youth. I want young black girls to know and understand their worth. I want them to know that it’s okay to be vocal when it serves to better society. I want them to realize that they are queens and should be treated accordingly.

I have nephews and although they think the world of rappers (I agree with some of their choices), I am glad that they have a family of strong, independent, hard-working, mind-speaking, supportive, educated black women to be around, not all young men have this so they will grow to buy into these stereotypes about their black counterparts. It is very said that you have grouped all black women in with the ones you have met who have exhibited this characteristics.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Compromising vs. Settling

So, I know it’s been a minute. So much has happened since we last chatted. I passed my comps, got an A- on my master’s project, graduated grad school, and was made faculty at work. Well those were the major happenings, but this entry isn’t about those things. A friend’s posting got me to thinking and reexamining “the list.” She asked (reposted from Baisden Live) what was the difference between settling and compromising? It’s funny because another friend and I have had this conversation several times. I always tell her that if she settles and it by chance doesn’t work out then I am not going to feel sorry for her and tell her I told her so, because God provides us with everything else, so why wouldn’t He supply our mate (I know, I don’t take my own advice very well). I know compromising usually takes two (it takes 2 to make a thing go right) and settling is normally a decision made by one, but my short answer to my friend’s posting was “Compromise: You want 5 kids-he wants 2 COMPROMISE at 3 and Settling: you think you are never going to find a good man, so you SETTLE for a man with 6 kids and tells you he doesn't want anymore.” This response was a little exaggerated, but sums up my thought on the matter.

So, here I decided would be a better place to elaborate. Although, I don’t have a physical list of what I want in a man (which may be why I haven’t found “him” but that’s another story), I do have qualities, characteristics, or what have you in my mind. As I have gotten older, some of what I have thought I needed, I realized not so much. I have over time deleted things off my list. Now you may be thinking then “aren’t you settling?” NO, I’m not. Some of the things I have on my list aren’t very important and definitely aren’t worth me giving up a good man for. For example, I would love to have man that knows where the hamper was and would every time he undressed placed his dirty clothes in the right place, but am I going to let that be a deal breaker….ummm, a No.

The important things I have left on the list. I still want and need a man who is loving, compassionate, driven, and respectful, is spiritual, believes in God, and goes to church. A man who I feel comfortable and at peace with, who I can laugh and cry with, that I feel safe with. A man that will not intentionally lie to me to in order to hide. A man that makes a home so that regardless of what the world does to me, I know his arms erases all doubt. A man I can talk to and can talk to me. A man who works hard and honest, believes in me and himself, doesn’t let what others think, say or do control what he thinks, says, or does. Now, this list is by no means a complete one (I think I will actually but it all down soon), but these are some of the things I feel are important and ARE NOT negotiable.

Now back to my example. I would be a fool, to say the least, to give up a man who has these JUST because of a hamper issue:). It’s one of those things that you realize and 20 years down the line, you aren’t mad because you knew it to begin with. A good friend is almost always late. She told me that her husband knew this about her before they got married, but he doesn’t scream and count the clock. This isn’t settling to me. It’s me coming to terms with the reality that if I want a man who has ALL I want, I’m going to have to make him…lol. I can let go of the little things to see the bigger picture. In my friend’s case her husband loves her and it was more important to be late with her than to be on time without her (or at least that’s the conclusion I drew).

So to me, compromising is giving up a little to gain so much more, realizing that we all have faults and quirks, but that they make up what, more times than not, could be the best part of us. On the other hand, settling is taking what is at hand just because what you really want is out of reach for the moment, but if you wait on it, it will be well worth it. Settling is one giving up all or A LOT just to have something anything now. After a compromise, you still feel like you win and are happier for it, but when you settle, the after taste lingers and soon builds into resentment.

My friend’s response to me was that she probably doesn’t compromise enough because she fears she is settling. Compromising takes careful thought and preparation, give and take. Settling is an act of desperation. When I have to decide between compromising and settling, I look at what I am giving up in order to gain what I want. If I am giving up a dream or a need, I’m settling. I also ask myself, “why is this so important?” Am I not compromising to prove a point or to be stubborn? If the answer to this is yes, then I have to reevaluate the importance.

I don’t really know the exact wording of or theory behind the 80/20 rule, but a friend of mine said that one of her teaches told her that 20% of what we have on our “list” we are not going to find. So, my thought is that I am only willing to compromise with that 20% that I probably shouldn’t have included anyway. I will SETTLE down with the guy who has the other 80%.

So until next time…, love, laugh and cry.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So, a week ago today, I turned TRIUMPHANT 30. I have been busy celebrating that I am just now getting around to blogging. Over the weekend, I was asked how does it feel to be 30. My response: GREAT!!!! It was then pointed out to me that I had only been 30 for a few days…lol. I still feel great. I know friends who turned 30 and were not so excited. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Come closer..ok that’s far enough (personal space and all): I only just started to enjoy life about 4 years ago. Now that isn’t to say that everything has just been roses and sunshine, but I saw the possibility of new days and appreciated life more. Up until then, I really thought my life was one big joke and I WAS NOT laughing. I was tired and at time really thought I would just give up. That’s also not to say that the entire time before that was just awful, but to me the struggle was almost crippling.

So, for me, turning 30 gave me the most amazing feeling. I was like a kid on Christmas. I had no big plans for the day of my birthday, but waking up was wonderful. I also had last year starting planning this fabulous 30th bash, but because of some things, I had to cancel. I was disappointed, but knew I would still celebrate my birthday. I love birthdays. As a child, mine was often forgotten. So when I got older, I made sure to celebrate each one.

A friend recently posed the question: What’s your favorite childhood memory? For me it was my 13th or 14th birthday or just the part I remember. I love balloons and for some reason always have. I mentioned this to my BFF and the day of my birthday when I got to school, she had tied balloons to my locker. I don’t know if she remembers this or not, but I’ll never forget. It was completely unexpected. I am grateful to say that some 16/17 years later, she is still my BFF. And this year she surprised me again. I love you Shawn.

I love music and so often find that some songs seem like they were written just for little ole me. When I look back over my life, one song pretty much sums me up: Smokie Norful’s “Dear God.” The first time I heard that song, it brought me to tears. I look back over my life and see God’s amazing plan, purpose, and existence in my life. It wasn’t so evident years ago, but the older I get the clearer I see. I AM SO LOVING MY LIFE and I THANK GOD FOR MY LIFE because truly I’VE HAD SO MANY UPS THAT THEY FAR OUT WEIGH MY DOWNS.

God has put and is continuing to put some great people in my life, but I think more importantly He is taking some people out. I have been mentally and emotionally hurt by some people who I thought was supposed to protect me, but I still thank God for those moments. They taught me that the world can’t break me because God molded me. Now days, I am always excited about something, whether I know what it is or not. I just have this really GREAT feeling. I am learning to stop trying to please everyone at the expense of having nothing left for myself. I’m still learning.

I am not where I thought I would be but know for certain that I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be. I am on the MOST AMAZING ride of my life. Thanks to all of those who are taking this trip with me. I don’t think you will ever truly know what pieces of my life you have mended and I don’t have the words to tell you how grateful I am for your constant love, support, and friendships.

So until next time LIVE freely, LOVE hard, LAUGH loudly, and CRY a little.

Smokie Norful:

Friday, April 9, 2010

Praying is Fundamental

In 36 days, I will be receiving my 3rd (and if the Lord says the same not final) degree. My first degree, a BS in Biology from Jackson State University, came in 2002; then in 2006, I proudly walked across the stage to receive my JD from Mississippi College School of Law and May 15th I will be awarded a Master’s in Library and Information Science for the University of Southern Mississippi. I was hoping to start my PhD in Higher Education this fall, but decided to take a year off to clear my head and recently, I realized that was a great idea. I have set time limits on myself, professionally anyway, but they are not set in stone, because other than proving to myself I can do it, they mean nothing.

In 5 days, I will turn 30….WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! I love my birthday (I’ve probably said that before). Now, you’re probably wondering what does the beginning of this rant and me loving my birthday have in common. Well, I have realized lately that I have never had to make any real decisions before and I am almost 30. “How is that possible?” (insert a shocked facial expression here) you ask. Well let me first explain what I mean: I have had decisions, but God knows I am so indecisive that he made the choices so evident and easy that VERY little thought went into them.

For instance, because of my childhood (and yes I am going explain what I mean by that just not now, so hold your horses), I knew college was where I was headed which one was the question, the answer JSU, not because it was local, but for others that have no need to be discussed here. I majored in bio/pre-med, but the summer of my senior year something happened and I realized med school was not for me and I should do what my heart desired. This started my law school chapter and again the question was where; the answer MC, and this time more so because it was local. It was the only law school I applied, because at the time what I thought were MY family obligations, I had to stay here. Do I regret it, no? The “decision” opened up many doors and possibilities. The first major choice I had to deal with was when I got offered my current position and had to choose between taking it or staying in the old one, but after a little thought it was a no brainer.

Now, from my view point I have never really had to make the “tough” decisions. For me, whenever one door has closed God has simultaneously opened up the next one, I haven’t decided yet if that was good or bad. However, I do believe that first small decision of what job to take was a trial. I sat down and weighed the pros and cons and had therapy sessions with people whose opinions I value. My life has been lived in a room, so to speak, with two doors on either side, but for what is the first time, as one door appears to be closing, several have appeared and although, I know what’s behind them, I don’t know the atmosphere and am terrified of walking through the wrong door.

The past 4 years of my life have been absolutely amazing for so many different reasons and even the times I cried because I was sad or hurting didn’t take away from it. I’ve done things and gone places and met people that have added greatly to my life. I have also been blessed enough to carry with me some many great friends along the way, and many of them know me better than I know myself, but not a one of them can tell me which door to walk through.

I know God has it all written down in the book of my life. Although, I don’t want to flip to the end and spoil the adventure, I wish only one door is left open with a bright shining light on the inside and a big arrow pointing to it:). Hey, a girl can hope can’t she? One of my BFFs, Steph told me that me having options are just a testament to my abilities and not having options would make me feel worse (in so many words). I guess also, the options are also proving that I am ready to handle the “big girl” decisions. How else am I going to make it to the end of my book? When it’s all said and done, I know the decision will be the right one. Maybe I am suppose to stay in this room/chapter a little while longer and the doors are just opening to prepare me for the next. I am in deep prayer and meditation and in the end I know I will get only one door is left open with a bright shining light on the inside and a big arrow pointing to it, I just have to listen. So, until next time: live, love, laugh and cry.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Handing out pink slips

I got a text from a friend of mine that said she owed me a drink and when was I available. First off, let me say that if I call you friend then that’s exactly what you are and there is no in between and secondly, whether she said she owed me a drink or not, catching up with her is always great. She is a wife, mother of 5, and road runner; so, I asked her when was she available. We decided to meet up at 6 and four hours later the conversation was still going strong and I would have until they put us out EXCEPT for the fact I had an exam that was due by 11:59. Which brings me to the point of this entry: that messy, no good enemy called procrastination.

I often joke that I am the QUEEN of Procrastination, but after the last 2-3 months, I think that may be more accurate than I like. I have deadlines and because I have the time, I put it off and usually until the LAST possible second, literally. So, not a good look. I am realizing how much of life I am missing because of procrastination. There have been a lot of events, functions, conversations, etc. that I have missed out on because I waited to do something that needed to be done and could have already been done. That was even more evident last night. Four hours is just not enough time to spend catching up with a love one.

I can pretty much pin point the reasons why I do much of what I do or act the way I do, but with procrastination, I’m just stumped. I have no clue when, where, how, or why. The fact is I HATE the feeling I have waiting to the last minute. I’m anxious and nervous and feel very pressured and not at ease. I also think that is why I don’t sleep well. My mind is constantly racing and usually deals with the fact that there is something I need to do or remembering that is due.

Now, that I recognize there really is a problem, I can work to correct, fix or alter it. Me, myself and I discussed things over and have come to a unanimous decision:

Dear Procrastination,

This will serve as your official notice that you are being terminated due to poor work performance and your unwillingness to be a team player. You hinder much of what could be great but for laziness. There is no need to reapply and you may not use us as a reference. This termination is effective immediately.


I know this won’t be nearly as easy as tossing out last night’s left overs, but it is a start. So, until next time live, love, laugh and cry.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

It is a duck...

Last night, I was talking to one of the besties, and the conversation turned to faith and God, as it usually does when she and I talk. One thing stuck out to me, because she and I are very impatient people. We both know and have witnessed how magnificent and forgiving God is, but we are still learning.

She started talking about (I’m paraphrasing) how she wanted to look into the future and see where she will be and if the things she has been praying for will come to fruition. I have had that thought a million times. For me, 99.9% of the time it dealt with finding “the one” or more specifically I wanted to know if all the efforts I have was and have, on some level, continued to put in one particular relationship would prove fruitful. Out of my frustration and constant disappointments, I wanted a remote to fast-forward and see if it will be or not.

I went on to tell her that I don’t really think that way dealing with my professional life. I think, because my professional life isn’t as frustrating as my personal life. I know God has my destiny already written so I’m in control of nothing but my actions. I told her I don’t want to fast-forward, because I don’t want to miss fully enjoying life. My thought is that if I knew exactly the ending then I would spend all my life trying to reach that point and I would take the little victories for granted. I would only be working towards that goal and not just living. I don’t want to miss a thing. I have started to enjoy this thing called life.

Now you may ask, “Why doesn’t this apply with him?” The reason I don’t feel that way with this particular relationship is because I don’t want to feel like I am wasting my time. We have been through a lot and some wonder “WTH are you still doing even wondering where this will end?” Professionally, I see how the things may line up. I may not know exactly where I will end, but I know it will be great. I feel a little control of my professional life. My work speaks for itself and gets me noticed. I can make the choice to write an article, or accept a promotion, or be a speaker or teach a class. God puts opportunities and people in my path and the decision is mine as to how I choose to handle them. I can’t dictate how he feels and act. I can’t make him be who I want or what I think I need. That choice is solely up to him. Just as God has placed people and opportunities in my life, He has done the same for him.

Now I’m not saying that I want to control him, because I don’t want anyone to control me and those who know me well, knows that ain’t happening. I’m just trying to explain why I look differently at the situations. But I’m starting to realize that I shouldn’t. If I knew we weren’t going to be then I would instantly move on, but what lesson or part of life would I miss from doing that? If I knew we would be together, then how would that change the person I am? I’ve decided to give it all to God. He has worked such wonders in my professional life, I have no doubt He will do the same personally.

I’m still missing life worrying about what will happen with that situation so the end result is the same. So I am just going to have to take my hand out and truly give it to God. That too is already written. So until next time, live, love, laugh and cry.

Monday, March 15, 2010

Green is not your color, Boo

I recently read a quote “Envy has no place in your life. If God is blessing your neighbor, He is in your neighborhood.” I just love this. I don’t think I have honestly ever envied anyone for any real reason that I have wanted to be them except….. To clarify I have envied people, like Beyonce because I love Jay-Z and she got to him before I could. I don’t want to be her or be like her, I just clearly have too much free time. Or all the ladies who know Trey Songz familiar enough to call him Tremaine, I’m just saying. Oooooo and Eve as what's her face in "Barber Shop" or Halle Berry as Janie in "Their Eyes Were Watching God." I also love Michael Ealy and again I have waaayyy tooo much free time.

Now for the except part; I have and at times still do, envy the relationships some of my friends have with their families. I don’t want to be those friends, but more so long for the relationships, luckily for me, those friends have welcomed me into their families and their families have willing or not so willing accepted me.

Now that we have that all cleared up, back to the point. Although, I know God is everywhere, I have never really thought of it exactly in that sense. God has always been in my neighborhood and times when I didn’t even know it, He was staring me in the face, but I was too busy complaining about something else.

I am learning slowly but most certainly surely, that even the little things that happen are God’s blessings and although, I love for the big things to happen, I am all about the little things. Take for instance; I have one of those headphone type earpieces for my phone. The little cushion thingy kept falling off one of the ear buds and every time I thought it was a goner. One day I noticed it was off again, and this time I JUST knew I wasn’t going to find, but I had to walk around the back of my car and there it was laying on my bumper. Now mind you I had driven to the track and back and don’t remember being behind my car for to be there, but it was, the little thing:).

We spend too much time trying to keep up with the Joneses that we miss out on the little things. It’s so much easier to get wrapped up in the “blessings” that we think others are receiving that we don’t see what daily blessing God is handing out to us every day.

God is in our neighborhoods, but we aren’t opening our doors or we are being impatient and keep opening the door just long enough to see if He has left our neighbor’s and is on His way to us or checking our watches because WE think He should have been here by now. I am by no means saying I have it all figured out because I am certainly still learning, but I love learning and am enjoying these revelations. I’m very impatient, but when it comes to God, I know He only shows up when He says and when He shows up He shows out.

I don’t know my neighbors because I don’t talk to strangers, but I know God is in my neighborhood because He is always with me, especially those times when I am falling down and think I can’t take it anymore. So until next time, live, love, laugh and cry.