Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So, a week ago today, I turned TRIUMPHANT 30. I have been busy celebrating that I am just now getting around to blogging. Over the weekend, I was asked how does it feel to be 30. My response: GREAT!!!! It was then pointed out to me that I had only been 30 for a few days…lol. I still feel great. I know friends who turned 30 and were not so excited. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Come closer..ok that’s far enough (personal space and all): I only just started to enjoy life about 4 years ago. Now that isn’t to say that everything has just been roses and sunshine, but I saw the possibility of new days and appreciated life more. Up until then, I really thought my life was one big joke and I WAS NOT laughing. I was tired and at time really thought I would just give up. That’s also not to say that the entire time before that was just awful, but to me the struggle was almost crippling.

So, for me, turning 30 gave me the most amazing feeling. I was like a kid on Christmas. I had no big plans for the day of my birthday, but waking up was wonderful. I also had last year starting planning this fabulous 30th bash, but because of some things, I had to cancel. I was disappointed, but knew I would still celebrate my birthday. I love birthdays. As a child, mine was often forgotten. So when I got older, I made sure to celebrate each one.

A friend recently posed the question: What’s your favorite childhood memory? For me it was my 13th or 14th birthday or just the part I remember. I love balloons and for some reason always have. I mentioned this to my BFF and the day of my birthday when I got to school, she had tied balloons to my locker. I don’t know if she remembers this or not, but I’ll never forget. It was completely unexpected. I am grateful to say that some 16/17 years later, she is still my BFF. And this year she surprised me again. I love you Shawn.

I love music and so often find that some songs seem like they were written just for little ole me. When I look back over my life, one song pretty much sums me up: Smokie Norful’s “Dear God.” The first time I heard that song, it brought me to tears. I look back over my life and see God’s amazing plan, purpose, and existence in my life. It wasn’t so evident years ago, but the older I get the clearer I see. I AM SO LOVING MY LIFE and I THANK GOD FOR MY LIFE because truly I’VE HAD SO MANY UPS THAT THEY FAR OUT WEIGH MY DOWNS.

God has put and is continuing to put some great people in my life, but I think more importantly He is taking some people out. I have been mentally and emotionally hurt by some people who I thought was supposed to protect me, but I still thank God for those moments. They taught me that the world can’t break me because God molded me. Now days, I am always excited about something, whether I know what it is or not. I just have this really GREAT feeling. I am learning to stop trying to please everyone at the expense of having nothing left for myself. I’m still learning.

I am not where I thought I would be but know for certain that I am EXACTLY where God wants me to be. I am on the MOST AMAZING ride of my life. Thanks to all of those who are taking this trip with me. I don’t think you will ever truly know what pieces of my life you have mended and I don’t have the words to tell you how grateful I am for your constant love, support, and friendships.

So until next time LIVE freely, LOVE hard, LAUGH loudly, and CRY a little.

Smokie Norful:

Friday, April 9, 2010

Praying is Fundamental

In 36 days, I will be receiving my 3rd (and if the Lord says the same not final) degree. My first degree, a BS in Biology from Jackson State University, came in 2002; then in 2006, I proudly walked across the stage to receive my JD from Mississippi College School of Law and May 15th I will be awarded a Master’s in Library and Information Science for the University of Southern Mississippi. I was hoping to start my PhD in Higher Education this fall, but decided to take a year off to clear my head and recently, I realized that was a great idea. I have set time limits on myself, professionally anyway, but they are not set in stone, because other than proving to myself I can do it, they mean nothing.

In 5 days, I will turn 30….WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! I love my birthday (I’ve probably said that before). Now, you’re probably wondering what does the beginning of this rant and me loving my birthday have in common. Well, I have realized lately that I have never had to make any real decisions before and I am almost 30. “How is that possible?” (insert a shocked facial expression here) you ask. Well let me first explain what I mean: I have had decisions, but God knows I am so indecisive that he made the choices so evident and easy that VERY little thought went into them.

For instance, because of my childhood (and yes I am going explain what I mean by that just not now, so hold your horses), I knew college was where I was headed which one was the question, the answer JSU, not because it was local, but for others that have no need to be discussed here. I majored in bio/pre-med, but the summer of my senior year something happened and I realized med school was not for me and I should do what my heart desired. This started my law school chapter and again the question was where; the answer MC, and this time more so because it was local. It was the only law school I applied, because at the time what I thought were MY family obligations, I had to stay here. Do I regret it, no? The “decision” opened up many doors and possibilities. The first major choice I had to deal with was when I got offered my current position and had to choose between taking it or staying in the old one, but after a little thought it was a no brainer.

Now, from my view point I have never really had to make the “tough” decisions. For me, whenever one door has closed God has simultaneously opened up the next one, I haven’t decided yet if that was good or bad. However, I do believe that first small decision of what job to take was a trial. I sat down and weighed the pros and cons and had therapy sessions with people whose opinions I value. My life has been lived in a room, so to speak, with two doors on either side, but for what is the first time, as one door appears to be closing, several have appeared and although, I know what’s behind them, I don’t know the atmosphere and am terrified of walking through the wrong door.

The past 4 years of my life have been absolutely amazing for so many different reasons and even the times I cried because I was sad or hurting didn’t take away from it. I’ve done things and gone places and met people that have added greatly to my life. I have also been blessed enough to carry with me some many great friends along the way, and many of them know me better than I know myself, but not a one of them can tell me which door to walk through.

I know God has it all written down in the book of my life. Although, I don’t want to flip to the end and spoil the adventure, I wish only one door is left open with a bright shining light on the inside and a big arrow pointing to it:). Hey, a girl can hope can’t she? One of my BFFs, Steph told me that me having options are just a testament to my abilities and not having options would make me feel worse (in so many words). I guess also, the options are also proving that I am ready to handle the “big girl” decisions. How else am I going to make it to the end of my book? When it’s all said and done, I know the decision will be the right one. Maybe I am suppose to stay in this room/chapter a little while longer and the doors are just opening to prepare me for the next. I am in deep prayer and meditation and in the end I know I will get only one door is left open with a bright shining light on the inside and a big arrow pointing to it, I just have to listen. So, until next time: live, love, laugh and cry.