Friday, April 9, 2010

Praying is Fundamental

In 36 days, I will be receiving my 3rd (and if the Lord says the same not final) degree. My first degree, a BS in Biology from Jackson State University, came in 2002; then in 2006, I proudly walked across the stage to receive my JD from Mississippi College School of Law and May 15th I will be awarded a Master’s in Library and Information Science for the University of Southern Mississippi. I was hoping to start my PhD in Higher Education this fall, but decided to take a year off to clear my head and recently, I realized that was a great idea. I have set time limits on myself, professionally anyway, but they are not set in stone, because other than proving to myself I can do it, they mean nothing.

In 5 days, I will turn 30….WOOOOOOHOOOOO!!!!! I love my birthday (I’ve probably said that before). Now, you’re probably wondering what does the beginning of this rant and me loving my birthday have in common. Well, I have realized lately that I have never had to make any real decisions before and I am almost 30. “How is that possible?” (insert a shocked facial expression here) you ask. Well let me first explain what I mean: I have had decisions, but God knows I am so indecisive that he made the choices so evident and easy that VERY little thought went into them.

For instance, because of my childhood (and yes I am going explain what I mean by that just not now, so hold your horses), I knew college was where I was headed which one was the question, the answer JSU, not because it was local, but for others that have no need to be discussed here. I majored in bio/pre-med, but the summer of my senior year something happened and I realized med school was not for me and I should do what my heart desired. This started my law school chapter and again the question was where; the answer MC, and this time more so because it was local. It was the only law school I applied, because at the time what I thought were MY family obligations, I had to stay here. Do I regret it, no? The “decision” opened up many doors and possibilities. The first major choice I had to deal with was when I got offered my current position and had to choose between taking it or staying in the old one, but after a little thought it was a no brainer.

Now, from my view point I have never really had to make the “tough” decisions. For me, whenever one door has closed God has simultaneously opened up the next one, I haven’t decided yet if that was good or bad. However, I do believe that first small decision of what job to take was a trial. I sat down and weighed the pros and cons and had therapy sessions with people whose opinions I value. My life has been lived in a room, so to speak, with two doors on either side, but for what is the first time, as one door appears to be closing, several have appeared and although, I know what’s behind them, I don’t know the atmosphere and am terrified of walking through the wrong door.

The past 4 years of my life have been absolutely amazing for so many different reasons and even the times I cried because I was sad or hurting didn’t take away from it. I’ve done things and gone places and met people that have added greatly to my life. I have also been blessed enough to carry with me some many great friends along the way, and many of them know me better than I know myself, but not a one of them can tell me which door to walk through.

I know God has it all written down in the book of my life. Although, I don’t want to flip to the end and spoil the adventure, I wish only one door is left open with a bright shining light on the inside and a big arrow pointing to it:). Hey, a girl can hope can’t she? One of my BFFs, Steph told me that me having options are just a testament to my abilities and not having options would make me feel worse (in so many words). I guess also, the options are also proving that I am ready to handle the “big girl” decisions. How else am I going to make it to the end of my book? When it’s all said and done, I know the decision will be the right one. Maybe I am suppose to stay in this room/chapter a little while longer and the doors are just opening to prepare me for the next. I am in deep prayer and meditation and in the end I know I will get only one door is left open with a bright shining light on the inside and a big arrow pointing to it, I just have to listen. So, until next time: live, love, laugh and cry.

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